Orientation Presentation - Helen E. Johnson

Parenting Your College Student:
The Challenges of a Changing Relationship

Helen E. Johnson, a leading authority on college parent relations, was a featured speaker during Parent Orientation on September 2. Author of the critically acclaimed advice book, Don't Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years, Ms. Johnson captivated a large crowd of new DU parents in Gates Concert Hall.

"You're not alone if you're feeling a mixture of excitement and dread as you're about to say goodbye to your new DU student," said Johnson. "In the space of 24 hours you're going from having reasonable knowledge of what your son or daughter is doing to having 'no clue.' It's a sobering thought, but a new college student is essentially a high school senior without parents around."

In a talk filled with humorous and poignant stores from her 25 years of work with parents and from her own experience as a college parent, Johnson reminded parents that, although they are about to lose control, they haven't lost influence. "You won't be the only influence in your child's life, but you can be the best influence."

Citing recent studies confirming that parents continue to play a vital role as their sons and daughters go through college, particularly during the first year of adjustment, Johnson reported that researchers found that high levels of academic performance and low levels of depression were associated with a style of parenting that encourages independence and autonomy in college students.

"You know and I know that your parenting days are not over," explained Johnson, "but you may be confused about your role now that your son or daughter is in college and will be treated as a legal adult on campus. I've found that the healthiest college parent-student relationship occurs when a parent is able to shift his or her parenting style to that of being a mentor. This doesn't mean 'letting go,' it means engaging in a way that will help your college son or daughter learn to how to make good choices and accept responsibility for those choices."

Ms. Johnson presented several possible scenarios and described the mentoring skills that parents can use in guiding their new college students through challenging situations. "Let's say a few weeks from now you get a distressing phone call from your daughter after she's just received her first "C" on an English paper. Here's how you can respond as a mentor to your daughter's crisis of confidence in her academic abilities."

"First, listen without evaluating or judging. Ask open-ended questions, while resisting the urge to jump in and offer solutions. Avoid "Why" questions - they are inherently judgmental and will put your child on the defensive. Discuss options and alternative ways of looking at the problem and, if appropriate, describe a time when you've faced a difficult situation, how you felt about it and what you did to resolve the dilemma. Ask what she would like to have happen and express trust in her ability to handle her situation. Honor her feelings, sympathize, and offer continued guidance."

Johnson acknowledged that one of the toughest challenges facing a new college parent is responding to the inevitable 'distress' calls from college. "You probably won't get a phone call when things are going well, but you're likely to hear when your son or daughter is upset. Try to listen without over-reacting. Remember, you are the safe haven in a scary new world. Keep the communication flowing, even if it seems like a one-way street. Students need the reassurance of your continuing support and love. Most of these seeming crises disappear once your child has 'unloaded' on you. Take care of yourself; share your worries by talking with your spouse, another new college parent or a trusted friend."

Johnson ended by urging parents to keep talking to their college students about high-risk behaviors, such as 'hooking up,' unprotected sex, binge drinking and drug use. She provided a newly published booklet from the Society for Adolescent Health, entitled The Healthy Student. This publication, which includes Johnson's talking points to help parents address difficult topics, is available online at adolescenthealth.org.

Following enthusiastic applause, Johnson greeted DU parents individually at a book signing. One parent spoke for many when she said, "I feel so much better about leaving now. I know this book will help me through the next four years. It's so great that DU arranged this presentation for parents."